For those of you who don't know the history of how holy days became holidays, including All Hallow's Eve and All Saints Day, I would encourage you to read about All Saint's Day by Googling it. Me personally I will be celebrating with my Red Sox as the saints go marching down Com Ave. in Boston
For now however, I figured some of you could use something to lighten your day... like some puns that make you groan or laugh, or both.
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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fellin love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificiallyinseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy ..
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel mylegs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in western Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in western Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends apicture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, shetells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
Two words: Go Sox!!! :)
ReplyDeleteSo a neutron goes into a bar and says "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks him over and says, "For you, no charge."
ReplyDeleteThis local man enters a newspaper's pun contest, only he sent in ten puns, hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Don't forget the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake nights pondering the existence of dog.
ReplyDeleteThis is groansville. I think you should be ashamed for subjecting us to this kind of punishment.
ReplyDeleteA mushroom walks into bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
ReplyDelete"But why," asks the 'shroom.
"Because," says the barkeep, "mushrooms are boring; they aren't interesting."
"Aw c'mon," says the mushroom, "I'm really a fun guy."
A man walks into a diner and orders eggs benedict. 10 minutes later the waitress delivers the order served on a shiny hubcap. The man asks what the big deal is, and the waitress replies "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
ReplyDeleteThe king of an ancient tribal village lived in a massive grass palace atop the highest hill. He was so loved by the villagers that everyt year, they would go into the surrounding forest, cut down the mighitiest tree, and hand-carve a new throne for his birthday. The king, upon receiving the new throne, would promptly stow the old throne in the attic, which happened to be right above his bedroom.
ReplyDeleteThis continued on for many, many years. One night, as the king slept, the massive weight from the thrones of years past came crashing through the bedroom ceiling onto the sleeping form of the king. He was killed instantly.
The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Thank you Dr. Witherington. My day is a little brighter now.
ReplyDelete:-)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a mop and a beer."
ReplyDeleteA rope walks into a bar and the bartender tells him, "We don't serve ropes here." So the rope walks out, twists himself into a pretzel shape and tousels his hair ... goes back in. The bartender says, "I told you we don't serve your kind in here. You're still a rope." The rope said, "I'm a frayed knot!"
ReplyDelete