Monday, February 05, 2007

We Are the Light of the World-- But Who Changed the Bulb?

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a
light bulb? None. God has pre-ordained when the lights will be on and
when they will be off.

How many Catholics does it take to change a
light bulb? None. They always use candles.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb??
Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say
how much better they liked the old one.

How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb??
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light
bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb
works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose
a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and
present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which
we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which
are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ."

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb???? CHANGE ????????????

16 comments:

Neil Lemke said...

Hi Ben,

Coming from the United Church of Canada tradition, I would like to add my own little version here:

How many United Churchers does it take to change a light bulb?

17. But the committee voted 9 to 8 to leave things the way they were.

Neil

K.W. Leslie said...

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? You don't change it; you pray that God makes the light miraculously come back on. If it doesn't, it's because you lack faith.

How many dispensationalists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But considering we're now living in the Fluorescent Age, he'll have to switch bulbs accordingly.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? Wir nicht verstehen Ihre Frage.

A variant: How many Episcopals does it take to change a light bulb? One will try; but the rest of them will discourage him, and hold a symposium in which they doubt the light ever existed in the first place, yet find some reason to justify calling the room "lit."

Matt said...

Another variant: How many Baptist does it take to change a light bulb: 12. They formed a committee, couldn't decide whether to go with incandescent or florescent, split, and formed two new churches - one with all incandescent bulbs and one with all florescent bulbs!

Mal said...

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. I hold the bulb, and the world revolves around me.

Ben Witherington said...

Ah ha---jokes always prove that oral tradition and form criticism is a reality.

Brother Marty said...

How many Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?

"you're not a member so you'll never know"

Mark said...

On a somewhat related note:

Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a light bulb?


BECAUSE IT DOES!!!!

Indie said...

Yet another variant on the Episcopal one:

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

What do you mean change the light bulb? My grandmother bought that light bulb.

Matt and Christine said...

How many dispensationalists does it take to change a light bulb? Let me check Scofield's notes and I'll get back to you...

Pope Rob said...

Where to start...

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb? 3. One to turn it and two to catch it when it falls.

How many Quakers does it take to change a lightbulb? 0 - Who needs a lightbulb when you have an inner light?

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 to change the bulb and 16 million to boycott the maker of the old bulb for bringing darkness into the world.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun.

How many United Church of Canada members does it take to change a light bulb? How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the lightbulb has chosen an alternative lightstyle.

How many Church of Christ does it take to change a lightbulb? Where is the scriptural authority for a light bulb?

Ben Witherington said...

Wellll we are having fun now..... Time to sing three courses of 1) This little light of mine....; and 2) Give me oil in my lamp;

I guess its time for us to lighten up :)

Pastor Astor said...

How many leaders of the Jesus Seminar does it take to change a light bulb?


Well, at first they thought maybe they could do it, but when they looked at the bulb they decided somehow that it really wasn't the bulb in question and put it down, and for quite some time now, they have been in the kitchen trying to 'unscrew' an onion - and there's not much of it left either...



How many Form critics does it take to change a light bulb?


They just decide that it could not be an authentic request since it came from the new apartment 10A and there is no prior incidences of this at all. They conclude that someone must have "borrowed" the request from some OTHER apartment, and simply put the request "on the lips of the tenant in 10A"...



How many Textual critics does it take to change a light bulb?




Their professional opinion is that we should leave the original bulb as it is. The probability of someone replacing a bad bulb with a good one is much lower than the opposite, and hence the bad bulb most likely reflects the oldest (and therefore better) bulb..



How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?


R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark.



How many Darwinists does it take to change a lightbulb?


Well actually, they won't even TRY to change the bulb. They will simply stop using the room that has the burned out bulb, and start using only rooms with FUNCTIONING bulbs. That way, over time, ....



How many ID:ers does it take to change a light bulb?


Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.



How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?


Two - one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.



How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?


None - unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment - and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.

Russell said...

Since I haven't seen the Lutheran voice on this...

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

4 - 1 to change it and 3 to talk about how nice the old one was.

or - 10 - 9 to form a task force to discuss it for years, discuss it with everyone and make sure everyone's ok with it. After that, 1 person changes it.

Light said...

How many patriarchalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one ... He holds the bulb, and the whole house revolves around him.

leah sophia said...

I love the new to me form critical one--I'd previously read your Methodist version as being from the UU tradition, and in that particular case the answer to "How many Methodists..." was "whether you are a turnip bulb, a tulip bulb or a light bulb, know that you are loved."

charles said...

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, is an idea of a light bulb, but maybe not actually a light bulb, but if there is a light bulb, it can be found in a funny or sad story of triumph or failure... a story that will give us an idea of lightbulbocity.